“How do I build trust with my team? 

“How do I build trust quickly?”

“How do I rebuild trust after it’s been damaged?

I get these questions all the time when I tell people I’m writing a book about trust and trustworthiness. They’re legitimate questions. Important questions. I’ve asked them myself over the years. They all, however, have one fatal flaw.

Trust can’t be built.

It can’t be done. It may sound like mere semantics to some, but it’s a crucial point to understand. Failure to grasp this idea is what fuels the frustration of countless people trying to motivate teams, win customers, and raise children. 

Language is important. The words we use shape our thinking and the thinking of those around us. How we talk about a subject narrows its meaning, affecting our feelings, decisions and behaviors.

Talking about “building” trust gives us the false sense that trust is something we can create and control. That feels good. We like things we have direct control over. Unfortunately, that feeling is an illusion.

Trust can’t be built; it can only be given.

Focusing on “building” trust steals time, energy, and attention from things we actually can build. We can build connections. We can build our reputation. We can build our own trustworthiness. 

Every successful farmer knows he doesn’t actually grow corn or wheat or whatever his crop is; he can only do his best to set the conditions for growth to occur. The same is true for trust.

You can build a relationship—the bridge that connects you to another human—and you can send over trust and evidence of your trustworthiness, but only the other person gets to decide if they will send their own trust back over. 

If you want someone to trust you, make it easy for them to choose to give you trust.

For Reflection: How are you making it easy for someone to trust you? What could you do to make it even easier? 

Update: 59% Proposal Complete 

I’m transitioning this portion of the newsletter from tracking manuscript word count to tracking progress on my book proposal. My proposal has five main sections outlined below. The percentage is the weighting for each section based on length and effort. The ratios are how far along I am with each section.

5/10 Content (10%)

5/10 Market (10%)

4/5 Author (5%)

15/25 Synopsis (25%)

30/50 Sample Chapters (50%) 

59/100 Total (100%)