“I don’t trust you.”

Imagine for a moment saying those words to someone in your life—your boss, a family member, a friend.

Now take a moment to imagine hearing those words from someone in your life—your boss, a family member, a friend.

“I don’t trust you” is one of the the most devastating blows a relationship can take. It can be so painful most of us don’t speak the words even when they’re true. We just do the minimum maintenance to keep up appearances while concealing our silent distrust.

Unfortunately, hiding your distrust will not solve anyone’s problems.

However, directly admitting to someone we don’t trust them can be disastrous. Often, neither party knows how to move forward afterwards. “I don’t trust you” is seemingly a declarative statement that permanently cripples a relationship.

So how do we address distrust in a way that heals our relationships instead of hurting them?

First, we must gain clarity by dissecting our distrust. What makes “I don’t trust you” so unhelpful is the multiple meanings of the word trust. This ambiguity causes both people involved to feel helpless and hopeless to move forward.

However, when we break down how we perceive someone’s trustworthiness into its constituent elements, we can clarify issues in a helpful way. For example, distrusting someone because I think they’re fake is totally different from distrusting someone because I think they’re inept.

So ask yourself, “Which element(s) of trustworthiness—authenticity, benevolence, competence, or dependability—do I really have an issue with?” Here are some examples of how you might clarify “I don’t trust you”:

• You’re not authentic: “I don’t think you’re being honest with yourself or with me.”
• You’re not benevolent: “Seems like you care more about yourself than the team.”
• You’re not competent: “You’re not quite ready to do this on your own.”
• You’re not dependable: “When you’re inconsistent, it’s tough for me to rely on you.”

Notice how each of these statements would still be difficult to say or hear, but each one is specific and expandable. There may be emotions initially, but at least there is somewhere to go afterwards.

For Reflection: How would you dissect your distrust of someone in your life?

Update: 94% Proposal Complete

With over 60,000 words written, I’m currently focusing on putting my book proposal together.

I took off from writing last week, so no new progress to report.

9/10 Content (10%)

9/10 Market (10%)

4/5 Author (5%)

24/25 Synopsis (25%)

48/50 Sample Chapters (50%)

94/100 Total (100%)