Life can come at you hard. Ever feel like you give, give, give, but never get your own tank filled? Ever felt completely lost after a big life change, unsure what to do next? Ever wondered how—or if—you should adjust your plans when the unexpected happens?

Like most people, at some point in my life I’ve been through each of these experiences. They usually occur when I’ve allowed my identity to get too wrapped up in something outside myself—a relationship, a job, a plan.

An interesting thing often happens in these moments: I begin to doubt myself. Or, put another way, I begin to trust myself less. Why?

To answer that question, let’s take a look at the Elements of Trustworthiness:

Order matters in this model. Authenticity is the first element of trustworthiness for good reason (and not just because it starts with A). Let’s consider what happens when you build your trustworthiness on one of the other elements:

Benevolence is an attractive place to start. Who doesn’t like being around someone who listens and puts other people first? But it’s not sustainable. Without the values and self-knowledge authenticity provides, benevolence can spiral out of control. Unmoored from the authentic self, benevolence erodes personal boundaries, fuels people-pleasing, and ultimately leads to burnout.

Competence is a common place to start. Acquiring skills and experience is a popular way to build trustworthiness. However, for someone who has confused what they do for who they are, external challenges can be devastating. Failures at work, disruptive innovation, or losing a job can seemingly erase their identity overnight.

Dependability, like the others, seems like a desirable way to prove yourself trustworthy. However, routines become rote and habits hollow when they are divorced from purpose. When consistency becomes cemented to your identity, you lose the flexibility to adapt to a changing world. Only when your disciplines are driven by clear core values do you possess the wisdom to know when to adjust and when to stay the course.

Beginning with Authenticity sets a solid foundation for the other elements of trustworthiness to build upon.

Knowing and trusting who you are, what you need, and what you have to offer gives form and structure to your service. Having a clear sense of self beyond your abilities gives you a firm place to pivot from when learning new knowledge and skills. Having a solid set of guiding principles fills your plans with purpose—and flexibility.

Getting to know yourself is hard, messy work. It’s harder than pursuing benevolence, competency, or dependability. Each of those pursuits have clearer metrics and generally quicker returns on your effort. But it’s worth it.

Getting to know—and trust—yourself supports the development of the other elements of trustworthiness. Together, these elements help you weather your storms and be there for others when they need you most.

For Reflection: Which element of trustworthiness are you tempted to put before authenticity?

Update: Revising Proposal & Queries

I’ve received a lot of great feedback on my proposal and I’m currently revising it and drafting my queries which I plan to start sending out by the end of the month!