On my way to an event this morning I ran a green light. I didn’t even slow down. Just a quick glance and I zoomed right through the intersection. Daring, I know.
How is it we feel comfortable driving two tons of metal and glass at speed straight through the path of crossing traffic? How can we trust the drivers on either side of the intersection to stop for us?
Drivers trust other drivers because of a set of agreed-upon conventions, an understanding of the consequences, and a focus on common interests. For example:
- Conventions: Road intersections only work because there are laws for how to respond to traffic signs and lights—rules that all drivers know and are licensed on.
- Consequences: Failing to follow intersection laws can result in a ticket or an accident. Tickets cost time and money, while accidents cost time, money, serious injury, or worse.
- Common Interests: Intersections are Zero-sum games. Either you go, or I go; we can’t both go at the same time. However, intersections are part of a larger, Non-zero-sum game: All of us getting safely to our destinations in a timely manner.
These same principles can help us weave trust into interpersonal conflicts. It’s most effective, however, to reverse the order and work from the inside out, as follows:
- Identify Common Interests: Seek out the common ground you share with the other person. There is no win-win solution in a zero-sum game, but often, by “zooming out” from the point of conflict, you find a larger, more cooperative game. Don’t fight each other; fight the problem.
- Discuss Consequences: Focusing on those common interests, openly talk about the consequences of not finding a solution. Make sure you both know what’s at stake for each other.
- Establish Conventions. Work together to hammer out rules of engagement that will help you both avoid adverse consequences while achieving your common interests.
As a driver, you navigate countless intersections routinely every week. Using these principles, you can navigate conflict with the same trust and ease.
For Reflection: Zoom out of a difficult relationship—where might your interests actually align?
Update: Sending Out Queries
I’m sending out my first query letters to literary agents this week!
