“I’m pretty sure my boss hates me.”
Alex was a gifted engineer I had known for years who was struggling with his supervisor. In the months since taking over the team, his new boss had all but extinguished his joy at work.
“She refuses to consider any of my advice—despite the fact I’ve been doing this longer than her. She assigns me simple tasks, then gives me overly detailed instructions on exactly how she wants me to do them.”
To a creative engineer who was used to more autonomy and input, Alex felt suffocated…and trapped. I could hear nestled in his narrative several signs his boss didn’t trust him.
Here’s a 4-step process Alex and I walked through to diagnose the distrust and find a way forward:
- Pick a specific incident where you didn’t feel trusted. Our emotions can often blow a situation out of proportion. Sticking to a specific incident grounds you in facts, not feelings.
- Play it back from the other person’s perspective. This is hard: Give the other person the benefit of the doubt, assume you’re wrong and they’re right, then play the incident back in your mind from what they experienced.
- What elements of trustworthiness are missing? From their perspective, what elements of trustworthiness did you fail to demonstrate during your interaction?
- Decide if you need to cultivate or communicate. In the context of the incident, the missing elements are either deficient (i.e. you need to cultivate them in yourself) or merely not conveyed (i.e. you need to communicate them more clearly).
Some suggestions to enhance this process:
- Pick a few other interactions and repeat the process with them. Does a pattern emerge?
- Share your analysis with another person who knows you well and can add perspective.
- If appropriate, consider sharing your analysis with your boss to get their response.
Going through this process, Alex admitted he had pushed back on just about every directive his new boss had issued. He also confessed to actively ignoring her instructions to demonstrate how his way was better.
Alex realized that despite his good intentions to help the team, he was signaling a lack of benevolence (“I’m not on your side”) and dependability (“You can’t count on me to follow instructions”).
In the end, Alex shifted tactics, changing two behaviors:
- He began assuming positive intent with his boss and advocating for her in the team and the company.
- He began accomplishing tasks exactly as directed, waiting until afterward to acknowledge what went well and share any ideas for improvement.
This approach shored up Alex’s loyalty and reliability in the eyes of his boss in a surprisingly short time—paving the way for him to have more autonomy and influence.
We can’t make other people trust us. However, with a little focus, we can make it easier for them to trust us.
For Reflection: When was a time you didn’t feel as trusted as you wanted?
