“To err is human, to forgive divine”
– Alexander Pope
Even in relationships where we’re committed long term and have engineered win-win opportunities, mistakes will happen. It’s the price of dealing with humans. How you respond to those mistakes is the difference between descending into distrust or taking trust to the next level.
One day during the nascent years of the computer age, Tom Watson, Jr., President of IBM, summoned a junior executive to his office. The young vice president had recently made several poor decisions that had cost the company millions of dollars.
The executive entered the office holding a resignation letter he had just drafted. “I suppose after that set of mistakes you will want to fire me.”
“Not at all,” Watson replied, “we’ve just spent several million dollars on your education!”
What a master stroke. How would you feel if you were that young leader? Trusted? Empowered? Ready to do whatever it took to make his investment in you worth it?
From a game theory perspective, Watson was right to forgive and continue to cooperate with the executive for two reasons:
- He was acting with positive intent. It appeared he was trying to do something good and the negative consequences of his actions were unintended.
- He wasn’t repeating the same mistakes. It appeared he was exploring an emerging market, experimenting, and learning as he went.
If Watson had evidence the executive was acting with ill intent (relationally untrustworthy) or was not learning from his mistakes (functionally untrustworthy), game theory would suggest the best move would be to forgive and disengage.
Even in that scenario, however, forgiveness is still on the table. Forgiveness doesn’t erase mistakes or the consequences of mistakes. It’s just a conscious choice to release the feelings of resentment you feel.
Note that Watson made his decision to forgive the young leader before he even walked in the room—before the executive had the opportunity to admit his mistake, accept responsibility, or even show remorse. Forgiveness doesn’t depend on the other person.
Forgiveness depends on you. It’s not always easy—it requires confidence, courage, and wisdom—but it’s always good for you. I agree with the saying that holding onto resentment is like drinking poison, and waiting for the other person to die. Let it go, for your sake.
And if you decide to re-engage after a mistake, forgiveness is the essential first step that frees you both to rekindle trust.
For Reflection: Who do you have a tough time forgiving? Why?
